I had just celebrated my 29th birthday 4 days ago. It’s amazing how time flies. To think that I was only 28 5 days ago, I am not sure if it hits me yet that I had already survived for more than a quarter of years.
Frankly, it has been a very tough year for me. Like most of the female out there, the one that affect me most is love, relationship. I know tons of people out there advises not to put your relationship first, but isnt it ironic that we had been seeking “the one” most of our lives to grow old together? And isnt that merging our lives together to walk down the path holding hands? Who doesnt want to be in love and be loved, anyways? I know I yearn to love, and be loved.
My relationship has been, and still is a rocking boat. We had been arguing, patching back, and arguing tons of times these past few weeks. Talk about women instinct, I do feel that he’s worn out, feeling tired, and unhappy about all these. It does makes me feel incompetence, knowing that I, the girl who thought she is good enough for a man, is not good enough for him. His expectations is higher. But to say his criteria is over the sky limit, is overstatement. Are they ridiculous? I think..not..
He has been expecting me to strive and continue to upgrade myself.Be it attitude, habits, and appearances. He has laid out the habits and attitudes of mine that is bad, and possibly will ruin my life (disorientation, disorganized, careless, bla bla bla..), and said that I should have strive to change them. Yes. His expectation sounds simple and humble. It’s for you, he says. Not me. These are for your own good, he continues.
It’s hurtful to hear from his mouth that I am not good enough. That he is hesitating to kneel down and ask for my hand of marriage, for he feels he cannot accept certain bad habit of mine.
For the first time in my life, I am admitting that I am stupid, feeling low self esteem, and in pain. Knowing the bad habit of mine is not enough. Realizing it is one thing, which I think I haven’t yet..
So what are the habits we are talking here?
1. Disorganized – As much as I organize events for other people, apparently, I am not organized myself.
2. Careless – occasionally, I forget things, and tend to do things twice. For instance, I can check the whole car to see if I left out anything, and after convincing myself that I didn’t and left, I tend to realize that I did forgot something, and had to make the 2nd trip over (sometimes more) to get things back.
3. Act on impulsion – Apparently, I dont think before I act. (eventhough I felt I did think,..)
4. Selfish – apparently, I am a selfish bitch too. That I do not think of others, only myself?
5. no common sense – I think because of the no. 3, it sometimes feel that I didnt do it with common sense and with care.
How do you change the above to positive ones?
One statement of his hits me hard:
Knowing what I love to eat or drink does not mean you know me. You dont even know what arouse me, what makes me tick, what makes me happy. Have you ever thought of what is in you that can contribute to this relationship? What is in you that will make me think you are the best and proud of?
I begin to think he’s right. I have nothing to offer to him, now. I have become an empty soul. A failure.
I felt I have failed as a human, and also a girlfriend. Honestly, the vision of getting married has blurred, making me think that, maybe I am am not worth to be anyone’s wife or mother.
It pains like hell in the heart..
and worst still, I have no idea where to start to change to a better me now.
Someone,… please…. enlighten me…
I think I really need help..
