“I’m attending a free talk now. Very cultish. Anytime now they might net me in.” text Dr Vet.

“LoL. What free talk is this? Sounds like MLM to me.” I replied.

“The founder claims to be reincarnation of Buddha” he said.

As a buddhist,I know very well that there is no such thing as reincarnation of Buddha. It’s pure con man gimmick. But according to Dr Vet,  this so called buddhist society is supposingly famous for “human happiness”. Now, that catch my eye. Human Happiness? *thinking hard*

It is no wonder that there’s so many claims and exclamation around us. No matter if it’s based on truth, or falsely made up, people tend to believe in it.

While some people out there claimed that religion is only a political ways to control people, a lot of people out there seek religions for enlightenment, especially when they are “lost” or wanted to find themselves. Others, decidedly not wanting to be part of any religion, thus “Free Thinker” (although some part of them do seek God for tips).

It makes me think for awhile. People will believe you if you tell it like you believe in your own words, especially when you tell it out loud confidently. Eventhough it’s false.  And the easiest way to spread your “believes” is through another human,whom will spread it out to another person confidently. I suppose that’s how rumours go around quicker than anything else! People tend to believe rumours more than facts!!!

That boils down to when one need to present in front of all the eyes, be it on stage, or in front of the meeting room. I always have such problems, presenting to clients in front of the room, standing. But if I am to sit down and talk, I convinced them easier.

It’s always the gulps and the “err” with blank minds when you see so many eyes on you. But as long as you believe in yourself, people around you will believe in you.

Yeah. Believe in myself.

I’ve been researching on masters program recently.was looking into tAking up a psychology masters,eventhough I don’t posses any degrees.funny right?I was trying my luck to see if I can do that.heard u need at least 5 yrs of work experience?well,I definitely have more than that!
I know this is not really new to me,this searching.few years ago,I wanted to study agAin too.no private institution is willing to take me,provided I sign up for a degree course that will take 2-3 yrs.according to them it’s the law.:( I was devastated.they don’t even have part time program for degrees.:(
It surface again recently when a friend of mine mentioned about taking up masters and invited me to join her.Deep in my heart,I knew that it’s not really possible w/o a degree.but I went ahead researching with her,in hope of a dim light from somewhere.then I found open uni n wawasan open uni.
Happiness n smiled formed.cost is cheap,n it’s for working adults like me.I wasn’t sure about how well the cert is recognized.I told boy bout my intention.apparently,the certs frm these 2 unis are only recognized within Malaysia..now,what good does it make?:(
Taking up a course at this age is no longer easy actually.I realized that my mind is no longer working as fast.frankly,I’m not sure if taking part time is a good idea now.I know I yearn to improve myself somewhere somehow.juggling work n studies….is it still a good idea now when my priority is suppose to be building up my business n working towards financial freedom?
…
…
I think I’ll start with toastmasters first.the new intake will only take off in sept anyway.I’ll see about that later..

The gathering last saturday went well. There were about 10 of our friends turn up. A small one. Eventhough we mentioned finger food only, I know most of them will come with empty stomach. No matter how much boy stressed that “THEY WILL HAVE DINNER BEFORE THEY COME”, I keep thinking that, there may not be enough food! I end up making 2 fillings in the morning, (tuna+corn mayo and egg mayo) to go along with the table biscuits, bought some cocktail hotdogs, and added few more fruits for the rojak. I thought I was thoughtful enough. Little did I know, that evening, 2 hours before guests arrival, Boy went berserk that I bought “Too many” food. We were actually running out of time to finish preparing them, and there he is, taking every opportunities to scold and belittled me. It hurts every seconds. And it’s frustrating too. There I was, trying to finish up, there he is showing me faces and saying that I am not competence enough, and sucks as a host! Oh..best part is, he scolded himself for choosing wrongly (me!)!!! It amazed me things that he said when he’s angry (or when things does not go according to his expectation. And he always say, it’s not his expectation we are talking about.) And guess what? most of the guests really come empty stomach!

I know he meant well, but I really hated the way he say his thoughts. He just give me the impression that what he has to say are all negative stuff. And that makes me just want to shut my functioning ears for awhile. I am still learning how to handle him properly. At times, I dont know what to do in fear that what I choose to do, will make him go berserk again. And when I end up doing something, it always makes him feel I am incapable. Which is self destructing actually.

I somehow felt that it’s me whom drive him till like that. At times, I felt it’s just him who likes to pick on other’s fault and say “I told you so!”. I remember reading somewhere that having the attitude or any sorts of gestures of “I told you so!” is actually not healthy. It’s only to show how superior you want to be to the other person, which does not even help on the situation. I dont know how to tell him this. He always thinks that I want to “win” in all arguement, or I was stubborn to “change”, which, I felt, I dont understand. I? Stubborn? Maybe. to certain extend. I think I am the most patience person on earth (ok, not the most patience person..maybe a patience person.*haha*). Enduring all the negative words that he throws at me at time to time. I wanted to raise the red flag. But I know what he will say if I tell him. (he’s going to say that I only know how to think that he scold me, and not think of how to be better. OR..he’s going to say that he’s given up and dont know how long he will be able to “hold” the relationship..or some other hurtful words that stings my heart).

I felt that the relationship has gone sideways. Is it really me that steer the relationship off track?

How and what should I do to create a better impression?

Did i mentioned that i posted up my first post from my new iphone?*wahahahaha*
Yup!me got meself a new gadget last month!that was the first trial of posting blog via iPhone.kinda cool experience but of course,the typing is not as fast as keyboard.:p at times I do wonder if I forget to type what my speeding mind says.*giggle*
there’s actually loads things happened in between.I learnt alot of things,got frustrated with certain things,and experienced new things.at time like this,i wished i could type just a little faster.

It’s weird..after I post up the 26 July post, the 23 July post went missing. Lol. I’m backdating this post and try to remember what i posted then:

In a blink of eyes, it’s my day again. It’s jaw dropping how fast you aged once you touches 20. In a blink of eyes, 8 years has passed! It feels like I just had my pool party (last year’s) last month! This year, we wont be doing such anymore. Boy and I decided to have a close gathering instead with a few friends this Saturday.

Today was just like any other days but with a good surprise in the morning. Boy left a bouquet of pink roses on my working desk before he left for work. Definitely create a big smile on my face. I just love flowers! (which girl wouldnt?:p) Immediately I pour all my attention to the little bouquet, watering it,taking pictures.. Just like a person who has never seen flowers before. Just fascinating.

Had lunch with a good friend (who had the same birthday as I am). It’s like a ritual for us to have birthday lunch together. Lol. Last year, we had laksa. This year, we had japs. Next year..hmm…Thai food? lol. It was his treat this year. Next year, I must remember to treat him back!!

Boy brought me for a meal in a Spanish restaurant, Bruno’s, Jaya 33.  It was our first time over there. He had Brunos Honey BBQ pork ribs, while I had lamb shank. Mine was ok. Although the meat is super tender, didnt think that the meat was tasty enough. His was not that great. Meat was abit chewy and tasteless.

While we were chatting up, the chef came over and explained that the dishes we had was just launched not long ago, and asked us for our opinion. Boy and his big mouth decided to launch his opinion out loud. Chef apologies and explained lengthily before end up deciding to give another plate of BBQ pork ribs to Boy on the house! Haha! He had to have 2 main dish today!

But I must credit that the 2nd serving was like from a different kitchen. (we suspected that the Head chef himself cooked it personally for us!). Because of that serving, we decided, maybe we should give them another chance. Yes. the 2nd one is so much better. The meat was tender enough, taste is superb! If you are planning to have a serving in Bruno’s, make sure hte head chef cooked yours.

Night, we sang birthday songs for both of us (his birthday was only 2 days earlier).  Can you imagine this? I didnt manage to get him anything yet for his birthday. He must be very sad. I didnt get the chance to purchase his. Was very busy for work and then we left for Melb together for 12 days (just got back like Monday!)

saw a few things actually after lunch today, but thought not the best yet. It has to be something good and special! Sigh. I hope I can just grab anything and give him. But it’s not that sincere anymore,is it? Or giving anything to him on his day is more sincere?

After 28 years of breathing earth air, I am still learning how to be proactive, competence, organized, and intelligent. I am also learning very hard to tackle and treat “difficult” people. It’s easy to say, but hard to practice. I guess it’s all boils down to 1 thing, “ATTITUDE”. When you have the attitude, I suppose, you will be able to turn your stubborness around.

But there’s one thing that I cant believe in my mind. I am still thinking of what the hell I am suppose to do for the future. Which is sad. And negatively signed. There’s so many routes to choose and too many choices of life, and it’s just..ahh..FICKLE MINDED! Before you knew it, time is running out.

Choose, bitch! before you know it, you’ll be 30 soon!

It’s ironic how each of us require another person to point out blank our flaws and weaknesses when we know what to say to another when the person is in the same situation. It happened to me today, again. Sad to say, it has been repeating almost every month now. It does makes me wonder, am I really that screwed?

Deep in my heart, I’ve always known that I must do something about it. About me. Myself. To be more consistant, and on time. I had been everywhere recently. And it does not show good impression, nor helped on my “image”.

What he said about me is so true. I had been disorganized, lack of dicipline, and I seriously required to do more thinking of what I am supposed to do to improve myself better to be me, a girlfriend, a sister and a friend. I had been taking things for granted, hiding every comfort corner I could find, ignoring every facts that, I am tumbling down, deeper in my own dugged up hole.

I know it hurts him to see me like this. It is not his way. The more dependent a person is (especially his loved ones), the more worked out he become. I should have known this better. But till today, I had been ignoring every obstacles I can,  taking every single chance to be “comfortable” without realizing how deeply hurt and worn out he has become.

It is purely my fault if I lost him. I know I cant bear that. I know I must do something about this. But I must make sure that I do it not because I want to save the relationship, but to kick in the right attitude, replacing the old ones. It has always been for my own good. Deja vu. I think I heard that line before.

Maybe, it has always been me. No. Correction. It has always been me. I must have been too self centred that I couldnt see it clearly. I must kick in some emphathy, sensitivity towards others, and think more of us, than me,myself and I. I cannot be ignorant anymore.

No matter how his words stings, I know one day, he will stop saying those and began to appreciate us more.

I aim for that day.

I never know jewellery making is so addictive! I had so far made 3 bracelets, more than 10 pairs of earings (but some never had identical twins..lol), and now I’m looking at chainmailles! But unfortunately, I never get to start the pearl bracelet for my mum. I didnt manage to get the pearls on time!!

Here’s some of my creations. Do comment and advice!

I made 1 pair of nice earrings for a good fren of mine. Gave it to her when I met her for her dive pool session. (the one with purple pearl and white background).I hope she really like it as it was the first pair out to others as a gift.   

You must be wondering why is there an earing on a guy’s ear, eh? LoL. My boyfriend decided to interfere with my designed earrings and twisted it around to fit his ear. Yeah. That’s his creation.   He’s been encouraging me to sell my creations online. I’m still not confident yet to do so..maybe soon. After I master the few skills. hehe. Meanwhile, do help me to think of names for my new shop-to-be!

I’ve been missing from alot of active stuff. I know… BUT i have a reason!!

I am recently experimenting on jewelry making. It’s amazing how much the world of jewelry making unfold before my eyes. I am more motivated now to do it! I just bought the tools and some stuff to start off. ANd I am already browsing for more stuff! Hmm. should control! Control, gal, control!!!!

My investment so far hits RM370.00. Let’s see how much are the returns. hehehe.

Cant wait to make the first pair of earrings now!

Target: Make nice pearls set for my mum on mom’s day! ngek ngek ngek

I sense that you are not happy today.  Maybe you have not been happy for a long time, but I just realized it. You seems demotivated, down, and lifeless. I seems to know why you are like that, but just not sure if it’s just that. Is it work that bothers you most? I know you have been really stress up with work currently. And you just hated it that you need to make other decisions and stuff immediately aside work.

I feel restless and sad that I am at no help to you. It aches in the heart to know that I cant do anything at all. I think the more I try to make situation better, the worst it become. If I try not to do anything, it didnt become better but worst, too. If only I can just make the decision for you, but that will only make you feel useless, aint it?

At times, I know I am the contributor of your stress and unhappiness. If only I can undone all those moments and lightened up your headaches. I know I mentioned that I try to be smarter and all. But, nobody has the perfect memory, isnt it? We are all born with imperfection, but you seems to want more than that.

I know, it’s not a reason to not change for the better. But I just hope you realized that we are not super people. You are not a superman either. And that you shouldnt really stress up yourself like that.

You know, that shining lights in your eyes has dissapeared.

But what can I do to get that lights in your eyes again? What can I do to help ease these stress/burden of yours?

Wow!! Dad..You wont believe this..!!!I saw a cute guy yesterday. He’s charming, a gentleman, attentive, and seems kind. He’s handsomely build, smartly dressed, and presented himself quite well! …..Where did I meet him? oh. I saw him at a toastmaster club. I was there for the 1st time yesterday. They were having normal meetings. I was pretty lost. And he was kind enough to show me around, explaining things, and make me comfortable. He was a past president for another Toastmaster Club. He was there as a guest, like me. *whispers* He said he was a spy that night. *giggle* 

Hmm? Oh..he said he’s certified doctor. Pet doctor. But he no longer practise as one. Now, he’s a speaker. Speaking about human relations and corporate world or something. I suppose toastmasters did groom him very well. He made an impromptu speach yesterday! He was fantastic! captivating, I should say. And funny! He speaks good english, and he knows how to grab listeners’ attention. I think he can be a good mentor. He indirectly taught me that, in order to give good speech, you have to understand the content, not memorize it. He’s a great guy to talk to too!!

Haha! Dad..you are so funny. Ask him to be my mentor? I dont think I can do that. Apparently, they select the mentor for you. you dont get to choose. Yeah. I know..Nonsense right? A mentor has to be someone whom you believe and look upon, right?wait…dad..!! What are you implementing, dad? you are making me embarrassed!!!!

No, dad! I dont know if I really like him. I only know he gave me good feelings. Warm. But I somehow I have a feeling that he can be a good friend. We do click, but I dont know if we have anything in common. He’s  8 years older!!

Haha..no dad. He’s not married. I dont see any wedding bands on his fingers. He said he’s still single. But do I really care about that, dad? Should I? I am not really looking for someone else now. I have someone already! Dont you dare to forget him!  

What?he trustable? Haha..!!Dad..!! I just met him! I dont even know if he can be a friend yet! But I guess..he can be trustable.. *blush*

Yes, dad. I will be very careful. It’s nothing, really. Just an innocent fling. Yes.. very innocent one!

 Gosh. You can be quite nagging for a dad! And I cant believe you managed to dig out so much information from me!!! you are amazing, dad! you just made me tell you everything!!