It’s ironic how each of us require another person to point out blank our flaws and weaknesses when we know what to say to another when the person is in the same situation. It happened to me today, again. Sad to say, it has been repeating almost every month now. It does makes me wonder, am I really that screwed?

Deep in my heart, I’ve always known that I must do something about it. About me. Myself. To be more consistant, and on time. I had been everywhere recently. And it does not show good impression, nor helped on my “image”.

What he said about me is so true. I had been disorganized, lack of dicipline, and I seriously required to do more thinking of what I am supposed to do to improve myself better to be me, a girlfriend, a sister and a friend. I had been taking things for granted, hiding every comfort corner I could find, ignoring every facts that, I am tumbling down, deeper in my own dugged up hole.

I know it hurts him to see me like this. It is not his way. The more dependent a person is (especially his loved ones), the more worked out he become. I should have known this better. But till today, I had been ignoring every obstacles I can,  taking every single chance to be “comfortable” without realizing how deeply hurt and worn out he has become.

It is purely my fault if I lost him. I know I cant bear that. I know I must do something about this. But I must make sure that I do it not because I want to save the relationship, but to kick in the right attitude, replacing the old ones. It has always been for my own good. Deja vu. I think I heard that line before.

Maybe, it has always been me. No. Correction. It has always been me. I must have been too self centred that I couldnt see it clearly. I must kick in some emphathy, sensitivity towards others, and think more of us, than me,myself and I. I cannot be ignorant anymore.

No matter how his words stings, I know one day, he will stop saying those and began to appreciate us more.

I aim for that day.

I never know jewellery making is so addictive! I had so far made 3 bracelets, more than 10 pairs of earings (but some never had identical twins..lol), and now I’m looking at chainmailles! But unfortunately, I never get to start the pearl bracelet for my mum. I didnt manage to get the pearls on time!!

Here’s some of my creations. Do comment and advice!

I made 1 pair of nice earrings for a good fren of mine. Gave it to her when I met her for her dive pool session. (the one with purple pearl and white background).I hope she really like it as it was the first pair out to others as a gift.   

You must be wondering why is there an earing on a guy’s ear, eh? LoL. My boyfriend decided to interfere with my designed earrings and twisted it around to fit his ear. Yeah. That’s his creation.   He’s been encouraging me to sell my creations online. I’m still not confident yet to do so..maybe soon. After I master the few skills. hehe. Meanwhile, do help me to think of names for my new shop-to-be!

I’ve been missing from alot of active stuff. I know… BUT i have a reason!!

I am recently experimenting on jewelry making. It’s amazing how much the world of jewelry making unfold before my eyes. I am more motivated now to do it! I just bought the tools and some stuff to start off. ANd I am already browsing for more stuff! Hmm. should control! Control, gal, control!!!!

My investment so far hits RM370.00. Let’s see how much are the returns. hehehe.

Cant wait to make the first pair of earrings now!

Target: Make nice pearls set for my mum on mom’s day! ngek ngek ngek

I sense that you are not happy today.  Maybe you have not been happy for a long time, but I just realized it. You seems demotivated, down, and lifeless. I seems to know why you are like that, but just not sure if it’s just that. Is it work that bothers you most? I know you have been really stress up with work currently. And you just hated it that you need to make other decisions and stuff immediately aside work.

I feel restless and sad that I am at no help to you. It aches in the heart to know that I cant do anything at all. I think the more I try to make situation better, the worst it become. If I try not to do anything, it didnt become better but worst, too. If only I can just make the decision for you, but that will only make you feel useless, aint it?

At times, I know I am the contributor of your stress and unhappiness. If only I can undone all those moments and lightened up your headaches. I know I mentioned that I try to be smarter and all. But, nobody has the perfect memory, isnt it? We are all born with imperfection, but you seems to want more than that.

I know, it’s not a reason to not change for the better. But I just hope you realized that we are not super people. You are not a superman either. And that you shouldnt really stress up yourself like that.

You know, that shining lights in your eyes has dissapeared.

But what can I do to get that lights in your eyes again? What can I do to help ease these stress/burden of yours?

Wow!! Dad..You wont believe this..!!!I saw a cute guy yesterday. He’s charming, a gentleman, attentive, and seems kind. He’s handsomely build, smartly dressed, and presented himself quite well! …..Where did I meet him? oh. I saw him at a toastmaster club. I was there for the 1st time yesterday. They were having normal meetings. I was pretty lost. And he was kind enough to show me around, explaining things, and make me comfortable. He was a past president for another Toastmaster Club. He was there as a guest, like me. *whispers* He said he was a spy that night. *giggle* 

Hmm? Oh..he said he’s certified doctor. Pet doctor. But he no longer practise as one. Now, he’s a speaker. Speaking about human relations and corporate world or something. I suppose toastmasters did groom him very well. He made an impromptu speach yesterday! He was fantastic! captivating, I should say. And funny! He speaks good english, and he knows how to grab listeners’ attention. I think he can be a good mentor. He indirectly taught me that, in order to give good speech, you have to understand the content, not memorize it. He’s a great guy to talk to too!!

Haha! Dad..you are so funny. Ask him to be my mentor? I dont think I can do that. Apparently, they select the mentor for you. you dont get to choose. Yeah. I know..Nonsense right? A mentor has to be someone whom you believe and look upon, right?wait…dad..!! What are you implementing, dad? you are making me embarrassed!!!!

No, dad! I dont know if I really like him. I only know he gave me good feelings. Warm. But I somehow I have a feeling that he can be a good friend. We do click, but I dont know if we have anything in common. He’s  8 years older!!

Haha..no dad. He’s not married. I dont see any wedding bands on his fingers. He said he’s still single. But do I really care about that, dad? Should I? I am not really looking for someone else now. I have someone already! Dont you dare to forget him!  

What?he trustable? Haha..!!Dad..!! I just met him! I dont even know if he can be a friend yet! But I guess..he can be trustable.. *blush*

Yes, dad. I will be very careful. It’s nothing, really. Just an innocent fling. Yes.. very innocent one!

 Gosh. You can be quite nagging for a dad! And I cant believe you managed to dig out so much information from me!!! you are amazing, dad! you just made me tell you everything!!

My baby sister just got engaged. He proposed to her while they were in Australia for a short vacation 2 weeks ago(in conjunction to her best friend’s wedding). It was sweet and short.. They were walking along the beach while counting the stars at night after dinner. She was mumbling about shooting star, and suddenly, he kneel down and ask for her hand of marriage. My sister was baffled, dumbfounded, and was too emotional to reply. But eventually, she said yes to him.

It was a great news for all of us in the family. In fact, I am happy for her. Since then, our teleconversation was only about her getting excited preparing for her wedding day. Her choosing and asking for opinions on venue for the dinner function. Her asking if she should make her own dress or rent 1.yadda yadda yadda. Since I am organizing for Joyce’s wedding, it was kinda easy for me to recommend something to her. And more over, she’s my only sister.

My sister has been achieving lots of things before me. She was the first person among my siblings to study in college, stay out and rented places with roommates, and the first person to be funded by my aunt (who favours her since she was young) to study. She was the first person to graduate from University, the first convocation that my parents went to. Her graduation was the reason why we had our first family photo. To be honest, I felt kinda small for I was not a graduate at all. What college? Nah. I didnt manage to experience that.

Throughout her life in my eyes, I had always felt that she was the luckier one. I do envy her.

Now that she’s engaged, she become the first to get married in my family.

I mean, it’s fine with me. But when I start to tell people that, “Hey, my sister is getting married!!!!”  They start to ask, “what about you? when is your turn?” The question kinda make me…sad… It feels like, “Hey, your younger sis is getting married, you should buckle up and do so too!” 

It makes me wanna shut up and not tell anyone about her good news. Telling people about her getting married, somehow, reflects badly on..me.. dont you think so?

Frankly, I do want to have my wedding day, have my own children, see them grow, teach them life, work for the family and feel content. But it takes two, isnt it? And I cant be seen as pushy, can I?

I just hope they will stop asking me that question. It’s not my one decision to get married. It’s the two of us.

I have always wondered why I cant seems to save up money. No matter how hard I tried, how much money I have, I always, always ended up using all of it. Yeah. Money is meant to be used. But not having savings, is like not having planning for future! I am very well aware of that, and feel very furious over myself for not able to save anything 5 years ago, 2 years ago, 1 year ago, or even this year!   With the unstable income, I had more reasons to postpone it month after month.. Honestly, I am ashamed of myself. There is a savings account that I opened 5 years ago, that was meant for savings, and yet, it has never crosses 5 digits. I know I have to do something about this. And I have to start now or never.

Looking back, I think I knew why this savings thing doesnt really work for me throughout.

When I was very young, my mum thought me how to save money. She showed me a coin box that looks like tiger.Eventhough we were not really from a rich family, she still gave me coins everyday to put it in. She even teaches me how to save up the amount from my weekly school allowances (which was merely 50cents a day). Frankly, I think I saved alot. And I was happy that I did it. I didnt eat for few days just so that I could insert the coins into the tiger. Savings. For the future. She had always said that. For the future. I was happy to see the bank account number grow too.

But one day, I found out that whatever I saved are all gone.  I was furious, and asked my mum about it. My mum said she had to take ‘em all out for family allowances. She didnt explain more. I was even more unhappy with her reason. I meant, it was suppose to be for the future, aint it? I talked back and demanded that she has no rights to take it from me. And those are supposed to be mine! and that I saved it all up with tough work. I defended. What was in my mind was that, I feel violated, and I just want my savings back. But instead of telling me the real reason, she just got madder at me, and said that the money was hers anyway.

I was devastated frankly. And from that day onwards, I didnt save a single cent. I was very mad at her, and I was so convinced that she will take away every cent eventhough no matter how hard I saved. I was only 10 then.

Little did I know, my dad, who had been staying in another states for his business, was going through bankruptcy. His business partner ran away with all the money and left him with all the debts. He lost everything. Lucky for us that the house that we are staying is under my mom’s name. Or else, we will be homeless too. I remembered started to see him more often, and that there were more frequent arguements between my parents. I couldnt understand what were the arguements that they were going through. But it does effect me as a child. And it changed me.

From that time onwards, sometimes my siblings and I get zero allowance for school. But my mom compensate those days with packed food. I also noticed that we do not get to change school shoes as often as last time. We used to get a new pair of shoes every year (maybe also because our feet size gets bigger faster when we were a kid). I remembered I was wearing the same shoes for the next 2-3 years. Until the shoes started to smile at me.

I do not remember how poor we became. But I do remember envying my other friends who had more pocket money than I did. But I never complained. When my classmates were playing with Barbie dolls during the year end at school, I just watched on, wishing I had one. Eventhough I wanted 1 so badly, I never demand from my parents. I knew they will say no.

Then I started to love musics. I watched a girl from my school played the school piano with elegance. I still remember how she looks like, chubby, fair skin with rosy cheeks, wore a plastic glasses, long hair that tied to the back in  pony tails, and lots of smiles. The songs that she played was so beautiful to my ears. I fell in love immediately to pianos. I asked her to teach me a few tricks. She did taught me. And everyday during recess time, I’ll bug her to play a song or two for me. I started to learn a few notes. But couldnt play one full songs. And I started to self learned when my uncle gave us a keyboard as a christmas present! (How ironic isnt it? that my uncle will suddenly give us one keyboard when he knew none of us play! I guess, I was thinking of the piano too much that it happened? haha! ).

I tried asking my mum to send me to piano class. She just said”No”. And that shut me up for a long time.

When I reached 15, The minute I finished the PMR test and immediately, went on a lookout for a part time job to fill up the 1 1/2 months school holiday. I knew I was still underage to work legally, but I went ahead and lookout for one anyways. I was hungry for money. And there were too many desires that I couldnt get and I knew my parents will never, ever give me a cent to pay for them.

I found 1 chinese restaurant that was willing to employ me for that 1 1/2 months. I was overjoyed that I just agreed with a merely RM550 bucks  pay for 1 1/2 months. To me then, it’s alot of money! (Later I found out that I was cheated. haha!) I worked hard, and learnt all the service tricks as a waitress. (cut fishes, distribute the dishes evenly,yadda yadda yadda). There was a Mientien Captain that was so willing to teach me. I couldnt care less that I had to work until 1-2 am, especially that if there’s some functions going on.

But guess what? I didnt save up a single cent from that pay check. I used up RM100 bucks to buy junk food that I desired and yearn for many many many years, that I was only able to stood there and watched them while the other kids ate them happily. I forgot what I used up on the rest, but I did remember giving my mum another RM100. (I guess out of the feelings of being a good daughter..? haha)

I think I sort of knew that my parents couldnt afford to pay for alot of things when I was young. But that didnt teach me to save up money. I guessed I was scarred once.

But I should not let this interfere anymore. Desires had to stop and I must start savings now.

Yeah. I think I just found the reason why I couldnt save money.

I was stuck in a jam the other day (1303). Thus, my mind starts to roam a little. If I were to be a mother, what base would I use to teach my kids?

I remembered how I was brought up to who I am now today. I must say that, I wasnt really satisfied with alot of things. I always felt that I was left out in the family. Nor was I loved or liked. It was pretty depressing, thus the constant look out for new hideouts, or outings, just to get out of the house. Dont get me wrong, my parents are good parents. But I think they are overwhelmed with their own problems that I felt kinda neglected. Or maybe I was just another depressed kid that crave for attention.

So I grew up looking for attention. I must say I did quite lots of things that I am not proud of, just because of this. And I had written lots of notes for the future me (now), telling myself that, “in the event that I have kids on my own, I must remember not to treat them like this..or like that…”

I would love to make my parents as my role model to be a good parent. But, I think that in the future, if I have kids, I will raise them a little differently. I will try not to base on my past to teach my kids. I guess, the correct word should be, I must be on constant lookout for improvements.

I believe that with a child under my care, there will be alot of relearning and experience. Like my whole life is renewed. Somehow I feel just that.

My friend who just become a mom told me that it’s in the instinct of every women in becoming a mom. We have 9 months to adjust ourselves, to get ready to welcome the baby, and to prepare ourselves for many years to come to be a good role model. I hope she’s right.

Gosh. I sounds like I cant wait to get my own baby.. LoL

I have always been bad in writing formal letter or impressive letters to gain confidence of someone. I admit, I am  not very good at blowing my own trumpet.  This is something that I must learn in order to gain confidence among my clients, especially in this competitive line. So when my client requested that I write those referral and appreciation letter on their behalf, I was dumbfounded on how I can “thank” myself.

It was hard at first. I look up and down on the websites for “thank you letters” and “appreciation letters”, most of them were either for employer to employee, or “thank you for your time” kinda letter. It was depressing. For hours I looked through the world wide web, even with help of my friend, Will, I still couldnt grasp the right one.

I was so frustrated with myself, frustrated that I couldnt get a single word out of my head in writing them. I am ashamed that I couldnt write flawlessly as those writers out there. I admire them. Honestly. For they think so fluently, write so fluently, with good command of English. I almost wanted to give up. I searched through my business books that were filled with samples of letters, aside from writing beautiful letters demanding for payment, none of it really help. It was devastating.

how do you really write a good appreciation letter?

Then I tried looking for alternatives. Maybe I should try ”referral letter” instead. I told myself.

I typed those two words into Google.

Voila! I found just a few that I can use as reference to write them! (I would love to share it out now to the general, but until my client sign back, I will at the moment keep it secret until further notice). I altered them, finish it with my touch, and beamed at myself.

Maybe, I am just not creative enough. But I am definitely an innovative person!

But I wouldnt have found that without the determination of keep searching despite the horror feeling of failures and miserable in me. Having said that, the feelings dissapears once I succeeded in completing it. It’s kinda…relieving and happy.

Looking up at my board.. I cant help to be reminded one of my own resolutions of 2009:

I aim to cultivate new and better behaviour in personal and work:
a. Diligence
b. “Do It Now” attitude
c. Punctuality
d. DETERMINATION
e. Concentration

Yes. I still have lots to do before the year end!

TAlking about motivation!!! Got this from a good friend of mine just today. Thought I should share this great piece (and remind myself constantly):

DUCKS QUACK, EAGLES FLY

No one can make you serve customers well. That’s because great sercice is a choice.

Harvey Mackay tells a wonderful story about a cab driver that proved this point.

 

He was waiting in line for a ride at the airport. When a cab pulled up, the first thing Harvey noticed was that the taxi was polished to a bright shine. Smartly dressed in a white shirt, black tie, and freshly pressed black slacks, the cab driver jumped out and rounded the car to open the back passenger door for Harvey.

 

He handed my friend a laminated card and said, “I’m Wally, your driver. While I’m loading your bags in the trunk I’d like you to read my mission statement.”

 

Taken aback, Harvey read the card. It said: Wally’s Mission Statement: To get my customers to their destination in the quickest, safest and cheapest way possible in a friendly environment.

 

This blew Harvey away. Especially when he noticed that the inside of the cab matched the outside. Spotlessly clean!

 

As he slid behind the wheel, Wally asked, “Would you like a cup of coffee? I have a thermos of regular and one of decaf.”

 

My friend said jokingly, “No, I’d prefer a soft drink.”

 

Wally smiled and said, “No problem. I have a cooler up front with regular and Diet Coke, water and orange juice.”

 

Almost stuttering, Harvey said, “I’ll take a Diet Coke.”

 

Handing him his drink, Wally said, “If you’d like something to read, I have The Wall Street Journal, Time, Sports Illustrated and USA Today.”

 

As they were pulling away, Wally handed my friend another laminated card, “These are the stations I get and the music they play, if you’d like to listen to the radio.”

 

And as if that weren’t enough, Wally told Harvey that he had the air conditioning on and asked if the temperature was comfortable for him. Then he advised Harvey of the best route to his destination for that time of day. He also let him know that he’d be happy to chat and tell him about some of the sights or, if Harvey preferred, to leave him with his own thoughts.

 

“Tell me, Wally,” my amazed friend asked the driver, “have you always served customers like this?”

 

Wally smiled into the rear view mirror. “No, not always. In fact, it’s only been in the last two years. My first five years driving, I spent most of my time complaining like all the rest of the cabbies do. Then I heard the personal growth guru, Wayne Dyer, on the radio one day. He had just written a book called ‘You’ll See It When You Believe It.’ Dyer said that if you get up in the morning expecting to have a bad day, you’ll rarely disappoint yourself. He said, ‘Stop complaining! Differentiate yourself from your competition. Don’t be a duck. Be an eagle. Ducks quack and complain. Eagles soar above the crowd.”

 

“That hit me right between the eyes,” said Wally. “Dyer was really talking about me. I was always quacking and complaining, so I decided to change my attitude and become an eagle. I looked around at the other cabs and their drivers. The cabs were dirty, the drivers were unfriendly, and the customers were unhappy. So I decided to make some changes. I put in a few at a time. When my customers responded well, I did more.”

 

“I take it that has paid off for you,” Harvey said.

 

“It sure has,” Wally replied. “My first year as an eagle, I doubled my income from the previous year. This year I’ll probably quadruple it. You were lucky to get me today. I don’t sit at cabstands anymore. My customers call me for appointments on my cell phone or leave a message on my answering machine. If I can’t pick them up myself, I get a reliable cabbie friend to do it and I take a piece of the action.”

 

Wally was phenomenal. He was running a limo service out of a Yellow Cab. I’ve probably told that story to more than fifty cab drivers over the years, and only two took the idea and ran with it. Whenever I go to their cities, I give them a call. The rest of the drivers quacked like ducks and told me all the reasons they couldn’t do any of what I was suggesting.

 

Wally the Cab Driver made a different choice. He decided to stop quacking like ducks and start soaring like eagles.

 

How about us?