last time, when I was working for people, I don’t flinch at all if I felt I m about to lose a client.
when I first started my own business, it felt ok that client come n go.

but today, when I learnt that a client of mine that i serviced for a year plus, decided to cut me off, and I can’t do anything about it, hurts.

i feel sad. very sad. not that this client of mine gives big project, or I earn alot from the project, it felt more like I am being dumped actually.

while i am typing this, automatically i reflected what had happened to me this year.

this year has not been a very good year for me. my relationship of 4yrs didn’t turn out well either. my ex cheated on me again for the 3rd time. we were on the verge of buying a place together, making plans to live together, build family together, but he just decided to stick his cock at someone else’s cunt. i didnt have the energy anymore to fight for the relationship…i decided to let him go…but even though I asked him to leave, I cried for a month. to me then, he crushed everything I hoped for..

the emotions turbulent that i felt influenced my work life. I lost 1 client then, for my out of focus job done. it was my fault. I was embarrass.

I tell myself I should buckle up and move on, despite the pain I feel. and make the best out of what’s left of the year.

4 months plus later, this client of mine decided to pull the plug..

even though they claimed working with me was great, and the factor was about the money, I was still devastated. I have no chance to counter offer. no chance to defend.

it’s very sad that now, people look at the cheapest rate to deal. it’s no longer how good you are, but how cheap u can go.

what premium class u giving? not related anymore. it’s just sad.

I looked at the sky tonight. it was very clear. the moon was shining brightly with the obedient stars. despite the few weeks of rain falling, today was the clearest night for a long time. I sighed.

“God, why are these happening to me? you do have something better installed for me right? something much better?”

I tried to look for hope in the darkness I felt now. at times I do feel like giving up. give up on everything. but I know, I have to persevere on.

it’s nothing, right? better ones are coming, right?

I hope so. really hope so…

It has been going downhill since the day I met you. He said.

Initially, I thought it is not true. But after reading my posts over here for the past 1 year plus, I think he’s right. I had been stalling to change. Not knowing who the hell I really am.

I really suck.

It hurts.

I am losing everything now..

I had just celebrated my 29th birthday 4 days ago. It’s amazing how time flies. To think that I was only 28 5 days ago, I am not sure if it hits me yet that I had already survived for more than a quarter of years.

Frankly, it has been a very tough year for me. Like most of the female out there, the one that affect me most is love, relationship. I know tons of people out there advises not to put your relationship first, but isnt it ironic that we had been seeking “the one” most of our lives to grow old together? And isnt that merging our lives together to walk down the path holding hands? Who doesnt want to be in love and be loved, anyways? I know I yearn to love, and be loved.

My relationship has been, and still is a rocking boat. We had been arguing, patching back, and arguing tons of times these past few weeks. Talk about women instinct, I do feel that he’s worn out, feeling tired, and unhappy about all these. It does makes me feel incompetence, knowing that I, the girl who thought she is good enough for a man, is not good enough for him. His expectations is higher. But to say his criteria is over the sky limit, is overstatement. Are they ridiculous? I think..not..

He has been expecting me to strive and continue to upgrade myself.Be it attitude, habits, and appearances. He has laid out the habits and attitudes of mine that is bad, and possibly will ruin my life (disorientation, disorganized, careless, bla bla bla..), and said that I should have strive to change them. Yes. His expectation sounds simple and humble. It’s for you, he says. Not me. These are for your own good, he continues.

It’s hurtful to hear from his mouth that I am not good enough. That he is hesitating to kneel down and ask for my hand of marriage, for he feels he cannot accept certain bad habit of mine.

For the first time in my life, I am admitting that I am stupid, feeling low self esteem, and in pain. Knowing the bad habit of mine is not enough. Realizing it is one thing, which I think I haven’t yet..

So what are the habits we are talking here?

1. Disorganized – As much as I organize events for other people, apparently, I am not organized myself.

2. Careless – occasionally, I forget things, and tend to do things twice. For instance, I can check the whole car to see if I left out anything, and after convincing myself that I didn’t and left, I tend to realize that I did forgot something, and had to make the 2nd trip over (sometimes more) to get things back.

3. Act on impulsion – Apparently, I dont think before I act. (eventhough I felt I did think,..)

4. Selfish – apparently, I am a selfish bitch too. That I do not think of others, only myself?

5. no common sense – I think because of the no. 3, it sometimes feel that I didnt do it with common sense and with care.

How do you change the above to positive ones?

One statement of his hits me hard:

Knowing what I love to eat or drink does not mean you know me. You dont even know what arouse me, what makes me tick, what makes me happy. Have you ever thought of what is in you that can contribute to this relationship? What is in you that will make me think you are the best and proud of?

I begin to think he’s right. I have nothing to offer to him, now. I have become an empty soul. A failure.

I felt I have failed as a human, and also a girlfriend. Honestly, the vision of getting married has blurred, making me think that, maybe I am am not worth to be anyone’s wife or mother.

It pains like hell in the heart..

and worst still, I have no idea where to start to change to a better me now.

Someone,… please…. enlighten me…

I think I really need help..

I havent been blogging since last August. Yeah. It’s that long. But it sure didnt feel like it. Time flies so fast that at times, I wonder if I am still in a dream?

Since August, I closed the biggest deal for my company. It was the most happiest moment then, (who wouldnt? when one closed the biggest project of the company). But little did I know, because of my mismanagement, the problem starts little by little. It is now 2 months after the project ended. And I am having difficulities to collect the balance payment. Alot says, I can forget about it, some says, let’s hope for the best. I still want to think positive at the moment. Tomorrow is the meeting with the client. I hope it does went well and I am able to retrieve whatever I can from that company.

That’s one issue that has been bugging me everyday without fail. No matter how much I tell myself that, business must go on, it is still at the back of my head, popping up whenever it can. I am lucky that I have friends around me that are supportive, that are willing to go beyond the miles to help me, to support me. I am grateful. I am also lucky to have a boyfriend that is there for me whenever he can.

But that’s another issue.

I felt I have neglected him and denied his duty as a good boyfriend. Imagine, I didnt tell him my biggest problem on collecting money, and he found out. He felt he had let me down. He felt like a failure. For I didnt go to him when there’s problem, for I didnt consult him, nor discuss with him, when we were talking about having lifes together.

I felt, I have let him down.

It was a painful moment for both of us. Just because I chose not to burden him with my stress, and keep him hidden from it while I try to find my way to negotiate the matter. Just because I felt he has too much on his shoulder, and I wouldnt want to add on another one to make him worry.

I am afterall, the person that he worries most. And now..I felt I have let him down.

New Year of 2010 has already begun. Entering the 2nd month of the year, comparing what I was last year, I think I didnt change much. Eventhough I thought I changed. But no. I am still the same. Sad to say.

I suppose he’s right. If I do not negotiate myself and identify what’s in me that fail me, that constantly drive me against the wall, I am to lose everything; my business, my life, and him.

The thing is.. I am lost…

“I’m attending a free talk now. Very cultish. Anytime now they might net me in.” text Dr Vet.

“LoL. What free talk is this? Sounds like MLM to me.” I replied.

“The founder claims to be reincarnation of Buddha” he said.

As a buddhist,I know very well that there is no such thing as reincarnation of Buddha. It’s pure con man gimmick. But according to Dr Vet,  this so called buddhist society is supposingly famous for “human happiness”. Now, that catch my eye. Human Happiness? *thinking hard*

It is no wonder that there’s so many claims and exclamation around us. No matter if it’s based on truth, or falsely made up, people tend to believe in it.

While some people out there claimed that religion is only a political ways to control people, a lot of people out there seek religions for enlightenment, especially when they are “lost” or wanted to find themselves. Others, decidedly not wanting to be part of any religion, thus “Free Thinker” (although some part of them do seek God for tips).

It makes me think for awhile. People will believe you if you tell it like you believe in your own words, especially when you tell it out loud confidently. Eventhough it’s false.  And the easiest way to spread your “believes” is through another human,whom will spread it out to another person confidently. I suppose that’s how rumours go around quicker than anything else! People tend to believe rumours more than facts!!!

That boils down to when one need to present in front of all the eyes, be it on stage, or in front of the meeting room. I always have such problems, presenting to clients in front of the room, standing. But if I am to sit down and talk, I convinced them easier.

It’s always the gulps and the “err” with blank minds when you see so many eyes on you. But as long as you believe in yourself, people around you will believe in you.

Yeah. Believe in myself.

I’ve been researching on masters program recently.was looking into tAking up a psychology masters,eventhough I don’t posses any degrees.funny right?I was trying my luck to see if I can do that.heard u need at least 5 yrs of work experience?well,I definitely have more than that!
I know this is not really new to me,this searching.few years ago,I wanted to study agAin too.no private institution is willing to take me,provided I sign up for a degree course that will take 2-3 yrs.according to them it’s the law.:( I was devastated.they don’t even have part time program for degrees.:(
It surface again recently when a friend of mine mentioned about taking up masters and invited me to join her.Deep in my heart,I knew that it’s not really possible w/o a degree.but I went ahead researching with her,in hope of a dim light from somewhere.then I found open uni n wawasan open uni.
Happiness n smiled formed.cost is cheap,n it’s for working adults like me.I wasn’t sure about how well the cert is recognized.I told boy bout my intention.apparently,the certs frm these 2 unis are only recognized within Malaysia..now,what good does it make?:(
Taking up a course at this age is no longer easy actually.I realized that my mind is no longer working as fast.frankly,I’m not sure if taking part time is a good idea now.I know I yearn to improve myself somewhere somehow.juggling work n studies….is it still a good idea now when my priority is suppose to be building up my business n working towards financial freedom?
…
…
I think I’ll start with toastmasters first.the new intake will only take off in sept anyway.I’ll see about that later..

The gathering last saturday went well. There were about 10 of our friends turn up. A small one. Eventhough we mentioned finger food only, I know most of them will come with empty stomach. No matter how much boy stressed that “THEY WILL HAVE DINNER BEFORE THEY COME”, I keep thinking that, there may not be enough food! I end up making 2 fillings in the morning, (tuna+corn mayo and egg mayo) to go along with the table biscuits, bought some cocktail hotdogs, and added few more fruits for the rojak. I thought I was thoughtful enough. Little did I know, that evening, 2 hours before guests arrival, Boy went berserk that I bought “Too many” food. We were actually running out of time to finish preparing them, and there he is, taking every opportunities to scold and belittled me. It hurts every seconds. And it’s frustrating too. There I was, trying to finish up, there he is showing me faces and saying that I am not competence enough, and sucks as a host! Oh..best part is, he scolded himself for choosing wrongly (me!)!!! It amazed me things that he said when he’s angry (or when things does not go according to his expectation. And he always say, it’s not his expectation we are talking about.) And guess what? most of the guests really come empty stomach!

I know he meant well, but I really hated the way he say his thoughts. He just give me the impression that what he has to say are all negative stuff. And that makes me just want to shut my functioning ears for awhile. I am still learning how to handle him properly. At times, I dont know what to do in fear that what I choose to do, will make him go berserk again. And when I end up doing something, it always makes him feel I am incapable. Which is self destructing actually.

I somehow felt that it’s me whom drive him till like that. At times, I felt it’s just him who likes to pick on other’s fault and say “I told you so!”. I remember reading somewhere that having the attitude or any sorts of gestures of “I told you so!” is actually not healthy. It’s only to show how superior you want to be to the other person, which does not even help on the situation. I dont know how to tell him this. He always thinks that I want to “win” in all arguement, or I was stubborn to “change”, which, I felt, I dont understand. I? Stubborn? Maybe. to certain extend. I think I am the most patience person on earth (ok, not the most patience person..maybe a patience person.*haha*). Enduring all the negative words that he throws at me at time to time. I wanted to raise the red flag. But I know what he will say if I tell him. (he’s going to say that I only know how to think that he scold me, and not think of how to be better. OR..he’s going to say that he’s given up and dont know how long he will be able to “hold” the relationship..or some other hurtful words that stings my heart).

I felt that the relationship has gone sideways. Is it really me that steer the relationship off track?

How and what should I do to create a better impression?

Did i mentioned that i posted up my first post from my new iphone?*wahahahaha*
Yup!me got meself a new gadget last month!that was the first trial of posting blog via iPhone.kinda cool experience but of course,the typing is not as fast as keyboard.:p at times I do wonder if I forget to type what my speeding mind says.*giggle*
there’s actually loads things happened in between.I learnt alot of things,got frustrated with certain things,and experienced new things.at time like this,i wished i could type just a little faster.

It’s weird..after I post up the 26 July post, the 23 July post went missing. Lol. I’m backdating this post and try to remember what i posted then:

In a blink of eyes, it’s my day again. It’s jaw dropping how fast you aged once you touches 20. In a blink of eyes, 8 years has passed! It feels like I just had my pool party (last year’s) last month! This year, we wont be doing such anymore. Boy and I decided to have a close gathering instead with a few friends this Saturday.

Today was just like any other days but with a good surprise in the morning. Boy left a bouquet of pink roses on my working desk before he left for work. Definitely create a big smile on my face. I just love flowers! (which girl wouldnt?:p) Immediately I pour all my attention to the little bouquet, watering it,taking pictures.. Just like a person who has never seen flowers before. Just fascinating.

Had lunch with a good friend (who had the same birthday as I am). It’s like a ritual for us to have birthday lunch together. Lol. Last year, we had laksa. This year, we had japs. Next year..hmm…Thai food? lol. It was his treat this year. Next year, I must remember to treat him back!!

Boy brought me for a meal in a Spanish restaurant, Bruno’s, Jaya 33.  It was our first time over there. He had Brunos Honey BBQ pork ribs, while I had lamb shank. Mine was ok. Although the meat is super tender, didnt think that the meat was tasty enough. His was not that great. Meat was abit chewy and tasteless.

While we were chatting up, the chef came over and explained that the dishes we had was just launched not long ago, and asked us for our opinion. Boy and his big mouth decided to launch his opinion out loud. Chef apologies and explained lengthily before end up deciding to give another plate of BBQ pork ribs to Boy on the house! Haha! He had to have 2 main dish today!

But I must credit that the 2nd serving was like from a different kitchen. (we suspected that the Head chef himself cooked it personally for us!). Because of that serving, we decided, maybe we should give them another chance. Yes. the 2nd one is so much better. The meat was tender enough, taste is superb! If you are planning to have a serving in Bruno’s, make sure hte head chef cooked yours.

Night, we sang birthday songs for both of us (his birthday was only 2 days earlier).  Can you imagine this? I didnt manage to get him anything yet for his birthday. He must be very sad. I didnt get the chance to purchase his. Was very busy for work and then we left for Melb together for 12 days (just got back like Monday!)

saw a few things actually after lunch today, but thought not the best yet. It has to be something good and special! Sigh. I hope I can just grab anything and give him. But it’s not that sincere anymore,is it? Or giving anything to him on his day is more sincere?

After 28 years of breathing earth air, I am still learning how to be proactive, competence, organized, and intelligent. I am also learning very hard to tackle and treat “difficult” people. It’s easy to say, but hard to practice. I guess it’s all boils down to 1 thing, “ATTITUDE”. When you have the attitude, I suppose, you will be able to turn your stubborness around.

But there’s one thing that I cant believe in my mind. I am still thinking of what the hell I am suppose to do for the future. Which is sad. And negatively signed. There’s so many routes to choose and too many choices of life, and it’s just..ahh..FICKLE MINDED! Before you knew it, time is running out.

Choose, bitch! before you know it, you’ll be 30 soon!

It’s ironic how each of us require another person to point out blank our flaws and weaknesses when we know what to say to another when the person is in the same situation. It happened to me today, again. Sad to say, it has been repeating almost every month now. It does makes me wonder, am I really that screwed?

Deep in my heart, I’ve always known that I must do something about it. About me. Myself. To be more consistant, and on time. I had been everywhere recently. And it does not show good impression, nor helped on my “image”.

What he said about me is so true. I had been disorganized, lack of dicipline, and I seriously required to do more thinking of what I am supposed to do to improve myself better to be me, a girlfriend, a sister and a friend. I had been taking things for granted, hiding every comfort corner I could find, ignoring every facts that, I am tumbling down, deeper in my own dugged up hole.

I know it hurts him to see me like this. It is not his way. The more dependent a person is (especially his loved ones), the more worked out he become. I should have known this better. But till today, I had been ignoring every obstacles I can,  taking every single chance to be “comfortable” without realizing how deeply hurt and worn out he has become.

It is purely my fault if I lost him. I know I cant bear that. I know I must do something about this. But I must make sure that I do it not because I want to save the relationship, but to kick in the right attitude, replacing the old ones. It has always been for my own good. Deja vu. I think I heard that line before.

Maybe, it has always been me. No. Correction. It has always been me. I must have been too self centred that I couldnt see it clearly. I must kick in some emphathy, sensitivity towards others, and think more of us, than me,myself and I. I cannot be ignorant anymore.

No matter how his words stings, I know one day, he will stop saying those and began to appreciate us more.

I aim for that day.